Forgiveness is one of the most consistently misunderstood concepts in psychology — and one of the most powerful, when correctly understood and practised. The misunderstanding typically involves conflating forgiveness with one or more things it is not: condoning the harm that was done, reconciling with the person who caused it, or forgetting what happened. None of these are part of what forgiveness actually is.
Forgiveness, in the research of Robert Enright at the University of Wisconsin and Fred Luskin at Stanford, is the internal process of releasing resentment, bitterness, and the wish for revenge toward someone who has harmed you — for your own psychological benefit, not theirs. It is something you do for yourself, not something you offer the person who wronged you. And the research on its psychological and physical benefits is striking enough to take seriously.
Why Holding Resentment Is Costly
Resentment, grudges, and the sustained wish for another person to suffer are not neutral emotional states. They require ongoing cognitive resources to maintain — the replaying of the harm, the rehearsal of grievances, the monitoring of the other person’s life for signs of the punishment they deserve. And they maintain a physiological stress response: research shows that rumination about interpersonal wrongs elevates cortisol, increases blood pressure, and activates the threat-response system in ways that have measurable effects on cardiovascular health over time.
The metaphor used in the research: holding resentment is like taking poison and hoping the other person will suffer. The person who harmed you is typically not experiencing the cost of your resentment. You are.
What the Forgiveness Research Shows
Luskin’s Stanford Forgiveness Project — one of the most extensive research programmes on forgiveness — found that people who completed forgiveness training reported significantly reduced anger, stress, and hurt, and significantly increased optimism, hope, and physical vitality, compared to controls. These improvements were maintained at follow-up. Enright’s research with diverse populations — including survivors of significant trauma and violence — shows that forgiveness is achievable across a wide range of harm severity, and that its benefits hold regardless of whether reconciliation with the offending person occurs.
The Forgiveness Process
Forgiveness is not a decision you make once. It is a process that unfolds over time, and the pace varies significantly with the severity of the harm and the individual’s readiness. The phases that research identifies as common to the forgiveness process:
Uncovering: Acknowledging honestly the full extent of the harm and its impact — not minimising or denying what happened or how it affected you. Forgiveness begins with clear-eyed acknowledgement, not avoidance.
Decision: The choice to pursue forgiveness — not because the harm was acceptable, but because continued resentment is costing you more than the letting go. This is often the moment of understanding forgiveness as a gift to yourself rather than to the person who harmed you.
Work: The active cognitive and emotional work of reframing — developing a more complex understanding of the person who harmed you (recognising their humanity without excusing their behaviour), gradually releasing the demands that they suffer, and building empathy for the suffering that typically underlies harmful behaviour.
Deepening: Finding meaning in the experience — not the toxic positivity of “everything happens for a reason” but the genuine psychological growth that can emerge from working through significant harm. Many people report increased compassion, clearer values, and deeper relationships as outcomes of the forgiveness process.
This content is for informational purposes only and is not a substitute for professional mental health advice. If you have experienced significant trauma or harm, working with a trauma-informed therapist on the forgiveness process is strongly recommended.