This content is for informational purposes only and is not a substitute for professional mental health advice. Grief is a deeply personal experience. If you are struggling significantly, please reach out to a qualified counselor or therapist.
There is no roadmap for grief.
Despite decades of popular mythology around the “five stages,” the reality of grief is far messier, far more individual, and far more non-linear than any model suggests. Some people feel numb first. Some feel rage. Some feel relief, then guilt about the relief. Some feel nothing at all for months — and then the loss arrives like a tidal wave on an ordinary Tuesday.
And some never move through it at all — because the culture they live in tells them grief should be resolved within weeks, that lingering in it is weakness, and that “moving on” is the goal rather than “moving forward while carrying what was lost.”
Dr. Bessel van der Kolk — trauma psychiatrist and author of The Body Keeps the Score — and Dr. Gabor Maté — physician and author of The Myth of Normal — give us a trauma-informed, compassionate framework for understanding grief as a physiological as well as psychological experience, and for moving through it in a way that honors both the loss and the life still to be lived.
What Grief Actually Does to the Body and Brain
Van der Kolk’s foundational contribution to understanding grief is this: loss is experienced in the body, not just the mind. The physical sensations of grief — the weight in the chest, the hollow ache in the stomach, the physical fatigue, the hypersensitivity to sensory stimulation — are not metaphors. They are the nervous system responding to what it experiences as a fundamental disruption to safety and connection.
The neuroscience: grief activates the same neural circuits as physical pain. Research published in the journal Science found that social rejection and emotional loss trigger activity in the anterior cingulate cortex — the same region activated by physical pain. “Heartache” is not a figure of speech. It is a neurobiological description.
Additionally, grief activates the stress response system — cortisol spikes, immune function temporarily suppresses, sleep architecture disrupts. Grief is physiologically expensive. The body needs support through it as much as the mind does.
The Van der Kolk Framework: Processing Loss Through the Body
Because grief lives in the body, purely cognitive interventions — “thinking through” the loss, analyzing the relationship, creating meaning frameworks — are necessary but not sufficient. Van der Kolk’s research on trauma and grief consistently shows that the body must be involved in healing.
1. Titrated Exposure (The Window of Tolerance)
Van der Kolk’s “window of tolerance” model — the range of activation in which the nervous system can process difficult experience without becoming overwhelmed — is directly applicable to grief work. Grief that is avoided (hypoarousal — numbing, dissociation) and grief that is overwhelming (hyperarousal — panic, uncontrollable distress) are both states where processing stops.
Healthy grief processing happens in the window between these extremes — deliberately approaching the loss (rather than avoiding it) in doses that are difficult but not overwhelming. This is titrated exposure: touching the wound, then retreating to safety, then touching it again. Not avoidance. Not total immersion. Gradual, compassionate approach.
2. Somatic Release Practices
Van der Kolk’s research identifies specific body-based practices that facilitate grief processing:
- Movement: Any form of movement that allows the body to discharge held tension — walking, yoga, swimming, dance. Grief-held tension needs a physical outlet.
- Breathwork: The extended exhale (out longer than in) activates the parasympathetic nervous system and creates the physiological safety in which emotional processing becomes possible.
- Expressive writing: James Pennebaker’s research (building on van der Kolk’s work) shows that 15–20 minutes of expressive writing about loss for four consecutive days produces measurable improvements in immune function, mood, and physical health markers.
- Safe physical contact and co-regulation: The nervous system regulates more effectively in the presence of calm, caring others. Isolation amplifies grief. Connection is not a nicety during grief — it is a physiological need.
3. Honoring vs. Rushing
Van der Kolk is emphatic on this: the goal of grief is not to “get over it” as quickly as possible. The goal is integration — allowing the loss to become part of your story without becoming all of your story. This takes the time it takes. Cultural pressure to resolve grief on a timeline is one of the primary causes of complicated grief.
The Maté Framework: Compassionate Inquiry into Loss
Maté’s contribution to grief work is his reframing of loss not just as the loss of a person or relationship, but as the loss of aspects of the self that were constructed around that person or relationship — and the necessary, painful process of rebuilding identity in the wake of loss.
His compassionate inquiry approach asks grief to be a teacher: what does this loss reveal about what I value most? What does my grief tell me about who I am and who I want to become?
The Maté Grief Inquiry Practice
Work through these questions slowly, in writing, over multiple sessions — not all at once:
- “What specifically do I miss?” Not the person in the abstract — the specific things. The way they laughed. The safety of being known by them. The future that included them. Getting specific prevents grief from remaining as an undifferentiated weight and begins to make it processable.
- “What am I grieving beyond the loss of this person?” Often we grieve the loss of who we were with them. The version of ourselves that existed in that relationship. The future self that was anticipated. Naming these secondary losses is essential.
- “What did this relationship give me that I still carry?” This is not about bypassing grief with positivity — it is about identifying the gifts of the relationship that continue even in its ending. What did they teach you? What did loving them make possible in you?
- “What is this grief asking of me?” Grief is not purely passive suffering. It often contains a call — toward deeper honesty, toward prioritization of what matters, toward connection with others, toward the life fully lived that the loss has made achingly visible.
The Integrated Grief Support Protocol
Daily Practices
- 15 minutes of gentle movement (walking, yoga) — allow tears, allow silence, allow whatever arises
- 10 minutes of expressive writing — not to produce anything, just to let the experience move onto the page
- One deliberate moment of connection — a call, a message, a physical presence with someone safe
Weekly Practices
- One session of the Maté grief inquiry — one question per week, journaled slowly and honestly
- One activity that honors the person or relationship lost — whatever feels right. Lighting a candle. Visiting a place. Cooking a meal they loved. Grief needs ritual as much as insight.
Monthly Reflection
- What has shifted in the past month? Not “am I over it” — but “has the weight changed? Has anything new become accessible?”
- Where am I avoiding? Where am I overwhelming myself? How do I re-find the window?
Related Reading on thementalhelp.com
- Heal: Emotional Wellness and Recovery Hub
- How to Stop Overthinking
- Burnout Recovery: Finding Meaning After Loss
- The Science of Mental Recovery
- How to Build Emotional Intelligence
Professional Support
Grief that is persistent, that is significantly impairing daily functioning, or that involves thoughts of self-harm is a signal to seek professional support. Grief counseling and trauma-informed therapy can provide the contained, supported space in which deeper processing becomes possible. BetterHelp has licensed grief counselors available online — matched within 48 hours. In crisis, please contact emergency services or a crisis line immediately.
Key Takeaways
- Grief is physiological as well as psychological — it lives in the body and requires somatic as well as cognitive processing.
- Social rejection and emotional loss activate the same neural circuits as physical pain — heartache is a neurobiological reality.
- Van der Kolk’s window of tolerance: healthy grief processing happens between avoidance (numbing) and overwhelm — deliberate, titrated approach.
- Expressive writing for 15–20 minutes over four consecutive days produces measurable improvements in mood and physical health markers.
- Maté’s insight: we often grieve not just the person but the version of ourselves that existed in that relationship.
- The goal of grief is integration, not resolution — allowing the loss to become part of your story without becoming all of it.
Your Next Step
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